WASHINGTON D.C. – APRIL 1, 2019 -Former Vice President Joe Biden announced Monday, April 1st, that he will now identify as a “strong, proud black woman” named Tonisha.

“As someone who has never been afraid to speak my mind,” said Tonisha/Biden at an early press conference, “I have always felt more comfortable with my black brothers and sisters. Looking back on my eight years as vice president, I realize now that I have always been black.”

While standing behind and rubbing shoulders of a nervous intern, Tonisha/Biden said she hadn’t yet chosen a new last name. “The focus group results aren’t in yet,” said Tonisha/Biden while sniffing the intern’s hair. “I may just go with one name, like Beyonce and J-Lo. I’m just that iconic and important of an African American.”

Tonisha said she was really inspired by former First Lady Michele Obama. “After seeing her grace and strength while I was vice president, I realized I was just like her,” Tonisha/Biden said while hugging another clearly uncomfortable campaign volunteer, “She is so strong, so clean, so articulate, just like her husband. I realized that my poll numbers could be even higher than Barack’s as the first African American woman president.”

The newly named Tonisha then invited all of the women up on the stage so he could “hug and show how much I really appreciate my new sisters.”

“C’mon now, don’t be shy,” Tonisha/Biden said. “I’ve known women all my life, some of whom I have been intimate with.”

 

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